~Truthordare

*Alert!:Long angry rant!*

I reeeeeally hate mass e-mails. I get tons of them from friends urging me to send on a message about kissing or I will die in the next 20 minutes, or accept Jesus as my one true saviour, or find out how much I know about a girl I met and spoke to for 5 minutes at a party once. They are totally gay.

This one pissed me off though. Like really. This is supposed to make up the ideal guy. I am a pessimistic tomboy sorta gal, so therefore, I'm gonna have to assume that this is the ideal guy for my Justin Timberlake worshipping, Maybelline wearing, O.C quoting coevals. But here's my take on things, for all us girls who would rather have hot sweaty sex with Rik Waller whilst our limbs are dipped into vats of hot oil then date a guy who does this kind of shit.

35 things every guy should do to their girl

01 . Tell her she is beautiful.
OK, but what if she isn't? Besides if some guy kept telling me I was beautiful, my stalker sensors would kick in.

02 . Hold her hand whenever you can. she loves that.
No I don't. What the fuck am I, blind? I don't need to be lead around, thanks.

03 . Kiss her on the forehead.
My 70 year old uncle does that. I hate it. If you are old...or gay, then that is acceptable. If not, no thanks.

04 . Leave her voice or text messages to wake up to.
I guess....

05 . Always tell her shes the only girl you wanna be with.
Hello? So girls like lies a lot then. Who would stupid enough to fall for that?

06 . When she is upset tell her how much she means to you.
''Oh my God, Randolph! My grandpa just died!''
''You mean a lot to me''
Yeah, that'll work.

07 . Recognize the small things . . . they mean the most.
Huh?

08 . Call her baby.
You are british and we are not in an Usher video. If you say 'Baby', you sound like a prick and a wanker. In fact, you soon will be a wanker, as the girl is most likely to kick you to the curb promptly.

09 . Sing to her no matter how horrible your voice is.
Hahahaha, no. That means I gotta sit there with an uncomfortable smile on my face as you howl your way through ''Angels''. No-one wants that.

10 . Pick her over all the other girls you hang out with.
So to have a girlfriend, you must ditch your other friends. Great, now I get to go out with a friendless asshole.

11 . Write her notes. (she loves them)
No I don't. Jesus Christ, I would prefer to go out with a guy who doesn't have ovaries.

12 . Introduce her to family and friends as your girlfriend.
If she is your girlfriend, that's a given. However if you are 13 and introduce the 12 year old on your arm as your 'girlfriend', you will end up looking like a bit of a prat.

13 . Play with her hair.
This one guy tried to 'play' with my hair and nearly ended up pulling a chunk of it out of my scalp. He never did it again. Trufax.

14 . Pick her up, tickle her and play-wrestle with her
Um, OK. Why? Do girls like that? I don't remember particularly enjoying any of those things. Boys in my class stopped 'play-wrestling' with me after I punched one of them in the face. As for my guy friends, the fighting they do is not play.

15 . Talk to her without having to kiss her.
So these must be the guidelines for your basic skank/retard relationship. All I can say is, No shit, Einstein. If you can't talk to a girl without needing to suck face, then you have no business being in a relationship with her. Next suggestion.

16 . Tell her funny jokes, tell her stupid jokes, just tell her jokes.
Be her clown, dance like a monkey, throw yourself at the altar of dignity and miss, landing with your legs comically splayed.

17 . Tell her when you miss her.
Neeeeeedy.

18 . Let her fall asleep in your arms.
Most girls I know don't fall asleep in front of their boyfriends. Even after sex. Unless you live with the guy, you should not have to expose him to your night-time habits such as drooling. Passing out drunk on his shoulder is acceptable.

19 .Look her in the eyes and smile.
''What?''
''Oh shit, the guide didn't say what to do next''

20 . If she's mad at you, kiss her.
If she's mad at you for say, I don't know, cheating on her, a kiss is going to get you a one way ticket to slapped, population: you.

21 . Give her piggyback rides.
Gay. What are you, her fucking chariot?

22 . Randomly tell her when you think she looks her best.
Holy shit, that's stupid. If this is the sort of stuff guys have to do to get laid, then I'm glad I'm not a guy. So glad.

23 . Treat her the same around your friends as you do when your
alone.
If you go around mumbling in some girl's ear and canoodling in the corner while they are around, soon you won't have any friends, so that kills 2 birds with one stone.

24 . Try to secretly smell your hair, but you always notice
Remember Creepy thin guy in Charlie's Angels (You totally watched it, don't lie). Remember when he kept smelling Drew Barrymore's hair? Remember how you were all 'Um, freak'. Yeah.

25 . Let her take as many pictures of you as she wants.
''Like OhmyGod Chad, I like, OhmyGod, need another picture of you for my livejournal, can you like, get naked and bend over?''
''Sure thing, baby''
''OhmyGod, Chad, you're the best!''

26 . Slow dance with her, even if there isn't any music playing
What. The. Fuck. Imagine some guy you thought was totally stable, just suddenly started dancing to no music. The only possible outcome of this is that you recoil in horror and start sobbing quietly as you realise he is dancing in front of the only exit.

27. Dont EVER ignore her, no matter who is around.
''Hey grandma, I know you're old and dying and stuff, but KATIE is here''. What kind of mindless, vapid princess bitch thought this shit up?

28 . Kiss her in the rain.
This sounds like the ending of some crappy romantic comedy that you took Jill to see because she really wanted to see it and you thought if you took her that you might get laid and Tara Reid was in it and Tara Reid is pretty hot, but it kind of sucked and you didn't even get a kiss because Jill had a cold sore.

29. tell her EVERYTHING thats going on your in your life.
she wants to know.
The hell I do. Why the fuck should I care about EVERYTHING that's going on in your life. I don't care about a lot of the shit going on in my OWN life.

30.Quit smoking, chewing, drinking, or drugs - just because he loves u that much to quit it.
As long as the guy isn't shooting up, I don't particularly care.

31. Doesn't notice other girls around you
If this means that when a hot girl goes by, he doesn't yell 'WOAH, DUDE, SHE'S FIT, I WISH YOU LOOKED LIKE THAT' then fair play, idiot author, fair play. But if it means that he doesn't look or anything, then that's gay, because I'd probably be looking too.


32.Be patient when you take forever to get ready
I have friends who take literally, hours to get dressed. I am not patient. I scream up the stairs. I roll my eyes. Sometimes I get bored of waiting and leave without them.

33.Never run out of love
XD

34.Give you the remote control during the game
Sexist bullshit. If the 'game' in question is football, I'd be watching it too. If he didn't like football and tried to turn, I'd get violent. The least battered person would get to watch TV.

35.Plans a romantic date full of cheesy things he wouldn't normally like to do, just because he knows it means a lot to you.
Riding through the park on a horsedrawn carriage- £200
Taking her to a fancy italian restaurant-£70
Having an orchestra play to her from outside her window-£160
The crushing realisation that you forked out £430 on an empty shell of a human being whos sole ambition in life is to be the star of a romantic cliche -Priceless




I'm just so awesome